Amanda Todd

Bullies target people who are:

Weak natured
Quiet & meek
Afraid
Unpopular
Alone
Handicapped or disabled in some way

Amanda Todd

Her story about how cyber and reality bullying eventually led to suicide. It really choked me up as I was a victim of bully myself in Primary and Secondary School. I gotta admit that all this time, I really felt that suicide would be total liberation. I have constantly contemplated suicide; however failed to have the balls to do it. I also am afraid of pain and heights. The worst scenario would be, to become a living dead, and to leave behind outstanding bills. Sometimes, you wanna seek death but you might get unwillingly saved by people who think that they are “saving” your life. Sometimes, you may be rushed to the hospital and incur horrendous bills that your parents would have to slog to pay. Sometimes, your life is so unlucky that if you seek death, you simply end up living. Sometimes, you can’t be selfish and you have to think about the aftermath. Although I wished I could change schools, I feared the vicious cycle would repeat as I knew the root of the problem was myself. On the side note, my family wasn’t that well to do and I can’t put my uniforms and school registration costs to waste. I didn't tell a soul about it except for God.

Back in my primary school days when I was an introverted nerd, I also had no one. The only one “friend” I had, bullied me all the time. Walked alone, hide in canteen alone and walked home alone. I kept everything inside me in school and I cried everyday after school at my corridor, thinking of ways to leave this world in the most painless way. Then I returned home after my eyes were dried. It was a heartwrenching painful 6 years dated; 1991-1996. Long story short, I was introverted namely because of my hyperhidrosis condition.

I started afresh in secondary school where I though I could begin start over. Adopted a cheerful disposition and attitude in life. Found humor in things and joked a lot. Made friends. Classmate bullying started again when I was around 15 years old. Once again, solitariness consumed me. Recess times were the most painful periods. When others were eating and playing in glee, I spent it wandering the deserted corridors and hiding at the empty loos to ball my eyes out. Living in fear all the time. Fear of going to school and facing the cold eyes upon me. Fear of what she may say or do to me. You could say my life really sucked. I spiraled in depression and morbid thoughts on suicide resurfaced,hailing me to join death in the other world.I constantly wondered what I have done to deserve it. Tears shed and dried. I clammed up like a shellfish.

Affirmed to myself that once I get into a Polytechnic, I would never let myself be bullied again. Whilst other ladies had make-overs in physical appearances, I made-over myself with a 360 degrees change in my character. I was outgoing, sociable and made friends wherever I went. I made friends in the Ladies, lecture halls, labs ect. I would not likely be a target for bullying as long as I have a lot of friends and seemed “happening” to others. I can’t say that I had a single worthy friend that I still maintain ties with, but it all seemed like I had a good many hi and bye friends then. It worked like a charm.

I spent many years alone. It didn’t teach me how to be independent or to live strong. It taught me the cruelty of human and how it could detonate a life that wasn’t bright to begin with. I have learnt to be oblivious to people who disparage and attempt to outcast me. I spent so many years alone that it no longer seems forbidding. I simply can’t let such trivial matters affect me anymore as I have load of new challenges that I face and am unable to comprehend, such as my hives.

Sometimes, I don’t even know the me now. Is this really who I am or am I just who I chose to be?



http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/amanda-todd-suicide-bullying_n_1959909.html

It saddens me that her life was filled with regret and so much pain. She is now at peace and I am glad for her. I'd like to say that I do not condone or encourage suicide but I understand how she feels. God bless her and you.