Amanda Todd

Bullies target people who are:

Weak natured
Quiet & meek
Afraid
Unpopular
Alone
Handicapped or disabled in some way

Amanda Todd

Her story about how cyber and reality bullying eventually led to suicide. It really choked me up as I was a victim of bully myself in Primary and Secondary School. I gotta admit that all this time, I really felt that suicide would be total liberation. I have constantly contemplated suicide; however failed to have the balls to do it. I also am afraid of pain and heights. The worst scenario would be, to become a living dead, and to leave behind outstanding bills. Sometimes, you wanna seek death but you might get unwillingly saved by people who think that they are “saving” your life. Sometimes, you may be rushed to the hospital and incur horrendous bills that your parents would have to slog to pay. Sometimes, your life is so unlucky that if you seek death, you simply end up living. Sometimes, you can’t be selfish and you have to think about the aftermath. Although I wished I could change schools, I feared the vicious cycle would repeat as I knew the root of the problem was myself. On the side note, my family wasn’t that well to do and I can’t put my uniforms and school registration costs to waste. I didn't tell a soul about it except for God.

Back in my primary school days when I was an introverted nerd, I also had no one. The only one “friend” I had, bullied me all the time. Walked alone, hide in canteen alone and walked home alone. I kept everything inside me in school and I cried everyday after school at my corridor, thinking of ways to leave this world in the most painless way. Then I returned home after my eyes were dried. It was a heartwrenching painful 6 years dated; 1991-1996. Long story short, I was introverted namely because of my hyperhidrosis condition.

I started afresh in secondary school where I though I could begin start over. Adopted a cheerful disposition and attitude in life. Found humor in things and joked a lot. Made friends. Classmate bullying started again when I was around 15 years old. Once again, solitariness consumed me. Recess times were the most painful periods. When others were eating and playing in glee, I spent it wandering the deserted corridors and hiding at the empty loos to ball my eyes out. Living in fear all the time. Fear of going to school and facing the cold eyes upon me. Fear of what she may say or do to me. You could say my life really sucked. I spiraled in depression and morbid thoughts on suicide resurfaced,hailing me to join death in the other world.I constantly wondered what I have done to deserve it. Tears shed and dried. I clammed up like a shellfish.

Affirmed to myself that once I get into a Polytechnic, I would never let myself be bullied again. Whilst other ladies had make-overs in physical appearances, I made-over myself with a 360 degrees change in my character. I was outgoing, sociable and made friends wherever I went. I made friends in the Ladies, lecture halls, labs ect. I would not likely be a target for bullying as long as I have a lot of friends and seemed “happening” to others. I can’t say that I had a single worthy friend that I still maintain ties with, but it all seemed like I had a good many hi and bye friends then. It worked like a charm.

I spent many years alone. It didn’t teach me how to be independent or to live strong. It taught me the cruelty of human and how it could detonate a life that wasn’t bright to begin with. I have learnt to be oblivious to people who disparage and attempt to outcast me. I spent so many years alone that it no longer seems forbidding. I simply can’t let such trivial matters affect me anymore as I have load of new challenges that I face and am unable to comprehend, such as my hives.

Sometimes, I don’t even know the me now. Is this really who I am or am I just who I chose to be?



http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/amanda-todd-suicide-bullying_n_1959909.html

It saddens me that her life was filled with regret and so much pain. She is now at peace and I am glad for her. I'd like to say that I do not condone or encourage suicide but I understand how she feels. God bless her and you.

Itch (Urticaria)

Torture, understand? its worse than death. it makes me beg for death.
God please have mercy on my soul.

When people ask me to find out what I'm allergic to, my answer would be...

"I'm allergic to air. The day I stop breathing, my allergies will go away." Yes siree. Round of Applause, please. No? Not funny? Okay, if you say so.

skin itch. i scratch. skin breaks. skin red.
skin itch. skin pricks. skin hurts.
skin begs me to scratch.

My day always starts with a smile
By mid-morning, it kinda turns upside down
By noon, what's left is my big o frown
Wish I could turn it back the right way around

Presenting this song that I totally connect deeply with whenever I feel emotionally unstable when hives outbreak. Fellow sufferers, pray God will wash it all away.



Lyrics
Evanescence - Understand(Wash It All Away)

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there."

(Can't wash it all away)
(Can't Wish it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
(Can't cry it all away)

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone

"You're not alone, honey."
"Never... Never."

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away

"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"God, please don't hate me"
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."

How True is True Fitness

Firstly, never ever go for a trial session if you don’t mean to sign up. Secondly, never accompany your friend to a trial session as well.

Because in the next moment, you could possibly end up with a year’s worth of gym package that you never intended to bargain for.

This is what happened to me 2 years ago. My friend went for a trial. I accompanied her. We both ended up with 1 year package, pockets less endowed. :_(

Typically, the sales rep will first make us take our weight and height measurements. Next, he'd ask us to do a survey on our ideal weight fitness goals etcetera and our current engagements to achieve our goals. Crunch time comes when he uses the guilt trip treatment on us. He is successful when he makes us feel fat, feel that we’ll never have the motivation to lose weight on our own, feel that we'll never exercise ever again if we don't sign up for the gym membership pronto. Above all these, he promises us that his staff would be hounding us on our cell phones should we start making less trips to the gym(which by the way never happened even when I stopped visiting) He promises that we can lose weight. If not for the fact that I was DESPERATELY trying to lose that 6 kilos I’ve gained, I’d never have succumbed to any gym membership ever.

Next, once he had our interest piqued, he gave us a sky high quotation and rocket registration fee. I rejected immediately. He tried to sweet talk but failed. He asked us to give him a number. Then he said he would speak to his boss to try to get us a sweeter deal. After sometime, he came out, all smiles. Both now agreed to waive the rocket registration fee and the package deal rate is slashed. When worked out, it sets me back by $80 per month by installations. When I said I need to think about it, the boss stepped in to push us to take the deal. They were really good salesmen indeed. We both succumbed to what we thought seemingly a good bargain when in actual fact, was not. I later discovered that the “bargained” deal was the going market rate and some even had cheaper rates. Yes, they charge different prices to different customers and it could also be based on promotional deals. Surprise, surprise. They further tried to psycho us to sign up for gym trainers, which we both rejected.

I started going to the gym around 3 times a week. As I had always loved to exercise, I don’t fall short of deriving motivation to workout. Every trip there requires me to reject as least 2 to 4 trainers hawking their business. It really got on my nerves but I was polite all the same.

One fateful day, a trainer had casual chat with me as usual. However, he first mentioned that he had been seeing me frequently drilling long hours, he asked if I saw any results? Well, a little weight lost but still flabby as a bat! That was when he marketed his knowledge and skills. I was impressed by him as he was by me. I told him I do not need a trainer to motivate me to exercise, I only wished to take the minimal number of sessions and learn techniques from him so that I could execute them on my own. So I signed up for 8 sessions. It cost $90 thereabouts per hourly session.

I truly enjoyed his training. He understood my strengths and weaknesses well. He sculpted a plan which I should master specific techniques for each lesson. He even compiled a guide for me on workout techniques. Sadly speaking, by the 3rd or 4th session, his lesson was suddenly replaced by his cousin (who happens to be a trainer there). When I asked about it, I was informed that he was taken ill. After 2 more sessions with his cousin, I repeatedly asked for him. And he finally told me the truth and asked me to be hush about it. He had an argument with the management and left the company. I was not able to cancel the remaining training sessions as the management refused, citing that they can assign other trainers to me.

After the cousin, his other friend also helped to take up my training sessions, however I was no longer learning any more techniques. Can you imagine that the trainer comes to me and asks me what we should do today? Duhz. Through them, I also had first time experiences on Boxing. I must say it was fun; however not what I have paid for. :(

All in all, do remember that the trainers you see at gyms can leave the company in a blink of an eye. It happened to my friend as well. When you keep changing trainers, they don’t even understand your goals. Money was wasted. Lesson learnt.

I stopped visiting the gym with around 4 to 5 months to spare. I thought I would let it expire once the year contract is up. I kept getting phone calls from them hounding me to extend my membership to 2 years. *Rolls eyes. One day, I heard from outsiders that the gym membership AUTO RENEWS ITSELF when the 1 year contract ends. WOW!!! If so, why not just make it a LIFETIME CONTRACT UNLESS TERMINATED? Hmm... what does 1 year mean to you? It certainly didn’t mean auto renewals to me. That said, it’s completely meaningless to even sign a 1 year contract. Next, the ONLY WAY TO TERMINATE it is to go IN PERSON. Another WOW!!! You’d think they would have the basic courtesy to inform us this LITTLE DETAIL when we were signing the contract or at the very least informed us about the automated service when the contract is about to expire. It’s ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE to deduct money on the sly.

I waited patiently for the last day and made my trip down. As I sat there filling my termination form, I saw other lambs on the chopping board and I felt sorry for them. Remember, no one should ever make you feel bad about yourself in other to benefit their own pockets. Sales techniques are specially designed to attack the majority’s soft spots. If you ever feel pressured, don’t be afraid to say No firmly and showcase your Speedy Gonzales skills. :D

itch.burn.sweat. i dono how to live, why i live. how does the deprived & handicapped find the will to live? wish i know. sometimes I cannot take it anymore.